PART 11 - U-Turn
When his lips pressed against the vampire's, Xander was prepared for
their coolness. But he certainly hadn't expected those lips to be so soft and
delicate. *Oh my, I can't believe I'm actually kissing him!* He
withdrew, noticing the vampire's reluctance to break contact. *Okay, one
doesn't count.* He moved forward once more, less hasty this time, for a
lighter, less nervous kiss. Time seemed to slow down, as if the universe was
pausing briefly to allow him to commit this moment to memory. And there was so
much to memorize! Like the smoothness of the vampire's skin. It was as if
Xander's hands were more daring than the rest of him, because they were moving
very slowly, exploring the hard curves of the man's arms and shoulders. And
then there was that smell he had come to associate with the vampire, of
cigarettes and something slightly spicy. Or the surprised expression in Spike's
eyes, before his long dark lashes came down, shutting out every sensation but
that strange contrast of warm and cool lips, skin and breath. Xander was
acutely aware of the way the vampire was gradually leaning towards him.
Pressing his lean body against his.
How could something that had been intended to be a quick peck, as a
spontaneous demonstration of trust, how could that turn into something so...
so... intense? For a moment Xander could even hear and feel how his rapidly
beating heart was pumping heat through his body. He fleetingly wondered how
Spike managed to remain in his human guise, when he was undoubtedly even more
aware of all that blood.
Spike wouldn't have noticed if a platoon of Initiative soldiers had
barged into his crypt, because all his senses were focused on Xander: his lips,
his heartbeat, his scent, his hot hands touching him, the taste of brownies,
coffee and toothpaste on his breath...
the warmth of that broad muscled body. Meanwhile he was trying very hard
not to scare the boy off, but he was fighting a losing battle. He pressed his
pelvis against the boy's hard-on. This felt so good. *Oh god... yes. Come
on, Xan, you know you want it.*
When the vampire's lips parted and a cool tongue tentatively sought
entrance Xander pulled back with a start, suddenly unsure how far he was
willing to go. Sirens were going off in his head and he was hit simultaneously
by fear and shame. His hands fell to his sides.
The vampire opened his eyes. There was something desperate about the way
he searched Xander's face, trying to discern what was going on in the human's
mind.
Xander realized he had to either say something or... well... say
something. He took a step back. "Sorry," he said, raising his hands
as if to ward off a threat. "Don't take this personally, Spike," he
giggled nervously. Took another step back. "... but see, now I'm having
this sort of wild urge to do something excessively masculine, like climb a
mountain or something. So, I think I'm just gonna grab my stuff... and like,
zoom off at warp speed." Wincing inwardly at his own cowardice he back-pedalled
some more until he reached his cooler.
Spike was perceptive enough to realize that the boy wasn't deliberately
leading him on, but that didn't stop his frustration and exasperation from
boiling over. "Bloody hell! What is it with you?" he roared. He began
to pace. "Can't you make up your bleedin' mind? You waltz into my crypt
and... and then you mess with my head... and now you get cold feet and I'm
supposed to say, 'hey Xander, go climb a rock, and have fun'?"
Spike slowed down as fury was replaced by bitterness. "I mean, I
was minding my own bloody business. Had everything under control. Until you
came along... playing buddy. Found yourself a lovely little game, didn't you?
Well, let me tell you, if I didn't have that soddin' chip in my brain
I'd..."
"...you'd do what? Kill me? That's the Spike I know," Xander
interrupted him. "You know what? You were right, I don't trust you. You've
just proven that I can't."
*Oh brilliant, Spike! You really have a way with words,* he told himself,
shaking his head at his own stupidity. "I was gonna say 'sweep the floor
with you'" he said quietly, suddenly feeling very weary. "And what a
pathetic threat that is, for Christ's sake. Oh, go away, Harris. Just leave me
alone."
He turned his back on the human. He could hear Xander picking up his
cooler and the bag with the tapes. He listened to the boy's footsteps
approaching the door of his crypt and to the sounds of it being opened. Then
the door was slammed shut.
"Spike?" Xander said sofly.
The vampire turned around. The boy was still there, looking at him
apologetically.
"I'm sorry Spike, but I guess I'm not ready for this, I mean, not
yet, anyway. One moment I think I trust you and then I think I don't, and then
I think I don't trust myself, and... I dunno, does that make sense to
you?" he babbled. "Cause it sure doesn't make sense to me."
And with that he turned around and hurried away.