PART 18 - Tales from the Crypt
Xander took a few steps into the crypt and put his tools down. He threw
his jacket over the backrest of Spike's chair. Outside the wind began to howl
louder. It seemed the thunderstorm was closing in rapidly. Already there was
the smell of rain in the air.
"Tea or coffee?" Spike asked.
"What happened to 'I'm-not-equipped-for-live-visitors'?"
Spike just shrugged.
Xander nodded. "Coffee would kinda hit the spot."
Spike turned the music down a bit. Then he poured water from a plastic
canister into a dented saucepan (scavenged from the city dump), and plugged in
an old fashioned electric immersion heater. He brought out two slightly chipped
mugs. Then there was the unmistakable sound of aroma seals being broken. With
the cigarette hanging from his mouth Spike put sugar, milk powder and coffee
grinds into the mugs and waited for the water to boil. Xander watched him for a
moment, then sat down in Spike's armchair. Remembering the way Spike had
reacted at his sudden entrance, he looked around to see what it was Spike had
hidden. In just a few seconds, he found that something had been tucked
underneath the chair. He reached beneath the cushion and found what felt
like... *A book? So what kind of bedtime stories do vampires read? Probably
"American Psycho" or something...*
As he was retrieving the hidden treasure, his hand brushed another small
object but he couldn't quite tell what it was. He pulled both goodies out of
their hiding place and looked at them in disbelief. "Harry Potter and the
Goblet of Fire" and a pair of eyeglasses. He snickered.
"Nibblet lent me the book," Spike said, neutrally. He had been
watching Xander's smooth detective work while waiting for the water to boil.
"I'm rooting for Severus Snape and House Slytherin’, of course," he added,
not without a touch of irony.
"I didn't know you read," Xander said.
"What do you think I did before the advent of the idiotbox to while
away the decades?"
Xander had no answer for that. But he was beginning to feel that there
was a lot he didn't know about the vampire. And oddly, enough, he was looking
forward to the new discoveries.
"What happened to superior vampiric vision?" he asked, turning
the glasses in his hand and trying to picture both of Spike's faces with
spectacles on.
"It's superior enough when I go all fang-y, but when I'm like
this..." Spike pointed towards his human face, "I'm actually a bit
short sighted. And since I don't like reading in bloodsucker mode... Well, try
not to break them."
Xander got up and put the glasses on the television set, together with
the book.
Spike crushed his cigarette butt in a saucer, walked over to the young
man, and passed him a steaming mug.
"What, no cookies?" Xander tried to joke.
The vampire rummaged in his sarcophagus and wordlessly handed him a
large packet of English biscuits, Plain Chocolate Whole-wheat Digestives.
Xander just raised his eyebrow and took a sip of his coffee. It was just
as he liked it. He opened the packet and tried a biscuit. *Should I comment on his sudden metamorphosis
into the perfect host? Better not.* He helped himself to another cookie and
settled for an appreciative but tactful "Hmmm, yummy!"
*You can say that again!* Spike thought, watching Xander licking
his lips. He found himself getting a bit horny again. Sometimes a vivid
imagination wasn't so great, after all.
To distract himself, and because even the undead got the munchies when
smoking pot, he ate a few biscuits and sipped his coffee.
He had felt like a complete idiot buying coffee and stuff. Like anyone
ever came round for coffee... He'd only bought it because Xander mentioned it.
Making Xander feel comfortable had somehow become a priority. That was the
depressing truth. *Man, you've really got it bad!*
"Say," Xander suddenly exclaimed into the lengthening silence,
making the vampire jump. "Can I ask you something?"
"Can't see why not."
Xander shifted a bit nervously. "Um, did you ever... uh... 'shag' a
live human being without... um... you know, killing that person?"
Spike gave him an evil grin. "What do you think?" he said in
his most suggestive voice, raising his scarred eyebrow.
"Um, uh, I guess I don't wanna know, huh?" Xander back-pedalled,
slapping himself mentally for venturing onto that kind of treacherous terrain
in the first place.
*Gullible much?* Spike let his grin broaden. "Well, there was
this Sheik, and he had this harem, see? 96 girls and a few boys. Definitely
more than I could eat, so I let half of them live..."
"Really?" Xander blurted out, swamped by disturbing images of
Spike as the Thief of bloody Baghdad. *Ugh!*
"No, not really, Xander," Spike said, sounding like a parent
who told his child that, no, there wasn't a Santa Claus.
Xander frowned and decided not to be deterred by diversionary tactics. "So,
Did you?"
Spike hesitated a moment. "No."
"Was that a yes-I-did-but-I-killed-everybody-afterwards or a
no-I-never?"
"No I never, but it's at the top of my list of
things-to-do-before-I-get-dusted," Spike said, the look on his face making
it quite plain just who he had singled out for this particular event. He smiled
self-consciously but continued, "Somehow I never got round to it. I mean,
I happen to have spent most of my unlife with Drusilla. We were very... close.
And... uh... imaginative."
A thought occurred to Xander. "Never? Not even when you were
alive?" he asked incredulously.
"Not even then," Spike answered after a pause.
Xander found himself readjusting his mental image of big bad Spike.
Which made him wonder... He counted mentally. Drusilla. Harmony. Buffybot. *Three?
That can't be true!*
Spike sighed. He could see the next question coming.
Xander took a deep breath. "Did you... ah ... Have you? Have you
ever had sex with another man?"
"Oh yes." Spike said matter-of-factly. He lit himself another
cigarette and watched as the young man was trying to pluck up enough courage to
continue this strange interview. The tape player turned itself off with a snap.
Without the music the sound of rain splattering down on the crypt was suddenly
very loud.
"Who?"
"Angelus. Who else?" Spike answered with a shrug, not really
willing to elaborate.
"Oh."
*Let's see, I'm about to become the latest addition to a short list that
includes: a lunatic vampire, one of the most infamous torture-happy vamps ever,
the dumbest person to ever walk the earth and a sex robot. And I thought MY sex
life was weird.* Xander looked up and gave the vampire a once over. *He really wants
me, that's for sure.* There was no mistaking the hungry look in the
vampire's eyes or the bulge in his pants. He dropped his gaze again, looking at
the mug in his hands as if it was the most fascinating object ever. *What
does this say about me?*
Spike watched as Xander's shoulder slumped forward. "Yeah
well," he remarked. "I don't go round shagging just anybody."
"Oh, that's why you dated Harmony. Because you were madly in love
with her."
Spike shrugged. "You got me there. Momentary lapse of taste.
Rebound girl, I guess."
"And the robot?"
"Well thank you very much for bringing that up," Spike
exclaimed, tossing his cigarette to the floor and crushing it underfoot.
"When you're finished psychoanalysing me and dissecting my sex life, can
we just fast forward to that bit where I rip your clothes off?"
His words were punctuated by loud thunder, as lightning flooded the
crypt with a sharp and piercing brightness.